Breast plates and other acts of desperation: Thor 3
My friend put it well: “What’s the story?” A very film school question, to be sure, but it’s a good point. Here it is:
Thor’s dad, Anthony Hopkins, banishes Thor to earth because Thor’s being a dick. Thor continues to be a dick when he meets Natalie Portman and her sister (?) Kat Dennings and her father (?) Stellan Skarsgård in New Mexico. Dad also throws Thor’s big hammer down to earth – a hammer with a magic adjustable handle. Thor decides to go get it, which takes up more scenes than one, a poor choice. After beating up a bunch of dudes in the rain, he tries to pull the hammer out of the ground where it’s stuck, but he can’t. Deflated, Thor is captured and taken to a spacious and well-lit holding cell. His brother, a skinny, pale-faced, black-haired, jealous, lying traitor, shows up and tells Thor that dad’s dead and Thor, further deflated, becomes a nice guy. After that, he has to do action movie stuff to save earth and his dad, who’s not dead, just sick. At the end, the portal between Thor’s sparkly world and Portman’s blows up, so after the first kiss, those two will have to wait for the sequel to kiss again. Oh yeah, I forgot to say, the spell Hopkins puts on the hammer is pretty much if you’re a nice guy, you can pull out the hammer. So, in short, don’t be a jerk. That’s the story. Or the moral. The story is go see the sequel: The Avengers. And won’t that be fun? It will be long, for one – probably 2 ½ hours. It will also be like one of those super bands, like the one with Tommy Lee and Jason Newstead. A bunch of ego maniacs in a room together, except for Thor who’s a humble guy. I guess what I’m saying is Soderbergh’s Ocean movies are annoying. If I were at a party with those guys, I would probably want to go home and read. Maybe I’d have a nice time with Matt Damon. But I’d have to get him away from the group.
Finally, for Kenneth Branagh to direct Thor seems like an act of desperation. after all, he ditched a production of Hamlet starring Jude Law. That doesn’t sound like Kenneth Branagh… Maybe he’s out of money. Or maybe he’s simply sick of Shakespeare, though I doubt that very much. He quotes Shakespeare in all his Thor interviews. Is directing Thor the equivalent of a mid-life crisis? an alternative to driving a convertible and cheating on his wife – which would be wife number 3? – or switching from beer to heroin? Actually I don’t think so. From what I’ve read and the pictures I’ve seen, the man speaks with fake enthusiasm and looks embarrassed, like he wishes he could’ve simply taken the check and the poster would say:
Directed by ANONYMOUS